I used to sit in church on Sundays just angry and annoyed at all the stay at home moms thinking to myself, "You have NO idea what it's like! NO IDEA!" But yet, in all reality, I had NO idea what it was like to stay home either. I have so much more respect for a mother who stays at home raising her children and so much respect for all the moms who work full time.
When I worked full time and hated those stay at home moms, I almost wanted to tell them how hard it was so that they would feel bad for me. Here was my routine: I would wake up early enough to get myself ready and Reggie ready for wherever he was going that day. I also had to give myself enough time to take him to his destination and be to work 15 minutes early. I was told when I first started for ICCU that if you aren't 15 minutes early, then you are late. For the 5 1/2 years that I worked there, I can honestly say that I was 15 minutes early about 90% of that time. The latest my shift ever ended was 6:30 (rarely). But by 5:30, 6:00 or 6:30, I would get home, either cook dinner or go get dinner (yes, we eat out too much). Once dinner was over, I would try and spend little time with Reggie and then do school work. I never felt relaxed when I was sitting on my couch watching TV because there was so much that needed to be done.
Once I finished school in October or November (I already can't remember), I thought things would slow down and I would be able to relax. I honestly never felt relaxed at all. Granted, last year in November, Jordan quit his job and started his own company in competition with his previous employer. So you can only imagine what hell that was. In November, he was served with court papers for breaching a non-compete. I will go into more detail about our year in another post. So, as you can imagine, there was no time to relax. Jordan was always on edge and ansy because along with breaching the non-compete and being sent to court, the judge also signed off on a restraining order so Jordan and his partner were not able to perform work with their new company until court was settled. Then there was me, trying to work, do school, spend time with Reggie, brighten Jordan's spirits, keep my house clean, and relax. It was tough and again I envied the stay at home moms because they could do anything and everything they wanted.
Then, to my surprise, on December 16, 2014, I became that stay at home mom I always thought I wanted to be. Now, I wanted to be a stay at home mom but I thought I would be able to prepare myself for it. You know, take my time quitting my job and things like that. But, it didn't work that way. The events that went on that day told me that I would no longer have a job at the end of the day. Sure enough, my "friend" led me down the stairs at 5:30 and sat me down with the regional manager. Long story short, I was no longer a fit for my position and I could either resign or they would basically fire me. Being offered two weeks paid and a pay out on all my sick and vacation days, I resigned. I quickly wrote my one sentence resignation letter and I never worked full time again.
Let me briefly explain the position I was put in. I was told I was no longer fit for my position at the Credit Union anymore. However, the month previous to this, I broke a record in my department for loans closed (as I was always a top performer and broke other records previous). I was given a Target gift card and a couple packs of Diet Coke. Within a months time, my numbers didn't decrease, I was never late to work, and I continued to work hard. That is just a small piece showing you how political a company can be. If just one person doesn't like you and you aren't the type of person that will change who you are to be liked, you will not succeed. I definitely had some great years and enjoyed my job at ICCU, but the last nine months were complete hell.
Back to what really matters here... That night, my parents drove down and my in laws came over to be there for me. I sobbed. Working was really all I have ever known, what was I going to do? Then finally, my dad said, "The Lord knows where you need to be and that is home." My mom also said that the Lord knows I wouldn't quit anytime soon so he made the decision for me and this was how it turned out. As upset as I was, I felt a feeling of relief and a weight lifted. I didn't know how hard staying at home would be, but it just felt right.
Fast forward to today: two kids, a husband who is rarely home by 5:00 and me, a stay at home mom. It is TOUGH! I have caught myself telling people that if I would have known it would be this hard, I wouldn't have quit my job. Then I remember, I didn't really quit my job. Right, I could have gone and easily found another full time job, but I knew that home is where I needed to be. My dad tells me very often that Reggie needs me and how glad he is that I get to be there for my kids. Being grateful that I get to stay home does not mean it's easy.
Working full time and being a stay at home mom are two different kinds of hard. When I think of the acronym SAHM, I not only now think of "stay at home mom" but I think selfless, attentive, heavenly, and mother. Let me elaborate as to why I think of those four words.
Selfless. You think that when you stay home you can do things you have been wanting to do like be on top of your cleaning, be the perfect housewife and have dinner ready and laundry done, or even as little as have some time to yourself when the kids are napping. Right after I "quit" I was able to nap when Reggie was napping and kind of chill. That was before Scotti came and before I started doing my parent's and Jordan's bookkeeping. When you stay home, very little of the time you have is spent on yourself. I am constantly getting Reggie a drink or a snack, playing, trying to potty train, feeding Scotti, trying to keep the house clean and laundry done etc. It's exhausting. I think the Lord knew that I needed to be home, but I also think he knew I needed to learn a little more patience and this was the only way. My patience is tested every. single. day.
Attentive. Reggie is such a character. I have realized that I missed so much during the day when he was at daycare and I was at work. When Jordan gets home I often tell him of the things Reggie did today and quite often, he may not do them for Jordan that night. It's the little things. It really is right down to the little sarcastic strut Reggie might do following me around or something silly he might say. My ears are listening to Reggie always. When I am on the phone, listening to music, whatever it may be, I hear Reggie's voice over anything. I also teach things when I don't even realize that I am doing it. I tell myself that I want to set a time in the day where I sit down with Reggie and teach him stuff; words, Jesus, writing etc. But what I didn't realize is that I am constantly teaching him. I take every opportunity I can to teach him something. It's funny, a month ago we were in the car and Reggie counted from one to 10 without skipping or mixing up a number. I was stunned. Not that Reggie is no smarter than any other kid but I have never heard a two year old count all the way to 10 before. I was so proud and the first thing Jordan and everyone else said was that he must have learned it from YouTube (yes, Reggie loves YouTube). I can hear pretty well the things Reggie watches and I know he never watches counting videos. So I thought back, I always count Reggie's train or toys whenever we are playing with them. I taught him how to count!
Heavenly. My house seems far from heavenly the majority of the time but there are so many different ways to use that word. My house may always seem like it's a mess or kids are often yelling but staying at home is truly a gift. I get to be the one with my kids all day, raising them, teaching them, and loving them. I find great comfort knowing that both Reggie and Scotti chose me to be their mom. They knew before they came that I would get impatient and raise my voice but they still chose me. They knew that no matter how impatient I get, that I will never stop loving them. If I ever get mad at Reggie, I still always tell him I love him because I do. I want him to know that even if he bites me and it's not okay, I still love him. Harold B. Lee once said, “The most important of the Lord’s work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own homes.” I try to remember that often when I am upset, frustrated, and ready to give up. I know that the things that happen within our home, will reflect my kids' lives forever. Our home is a place to teach our kids how to get back to our Father in Heaven. That alone makes everything worth it and makes my home a heavenly place.
Mother. Of course this word is self explanatory. However, I know every mom out there has doubts, insecurities, faults, etc. I am always wondering if I am good enough. When I raise my voice at Reggie for something stupid, I wonder why I did that and then tell myself to have a little more patience. I have so many insecurities now being a stay at home mom that I didn't have when I worked. When I worked at ICCU, I was a loan officer. I got so much satisfaction in completing a loan and having high loan numbers. But, I got more satisfaction in getting compliments on a job well done or when members raved about me because they liked ME. You don't get that as a stay at home mom. I feel like my role is so much bigger now that it used to be. Funny thing is, the role didn't change, I did. I went from working as a loan officer to working on my patience and being a better mom and wife. I still feel like I am failing profusely at both. I try to clean the house and have it clean when Jordan gets home. What can I say, I have a two-year-old who has to have every toy out but only play with one. I try to cook more instead of always eating out because I am home all day. It's really not that easy. One day I wrote down every thing that I did to the minute because I wanted Jordan to know what I did all day. I stopped at 1:00 because I already had a page written down. I will sit down at the computer to work on my parent's books and Reggie will need a snack or Scotti will need her diaper changed. So I will do that, then something else needs done and next thing you know, it's 5:30 and you wonder where the time went.
As hard as staying home is for me, I thank the Lord every single day that I am able to do so. My family is right, as much as I wanted to quit my job and stay home, I wouldn't have unless I was forced. Now that I am here, I want to give up a lot but it doesn't take away from the fact that I truly am grateful. Despite my own faults and doubts, I know that Reggie still loves me and no matter how many times I want to just send him to my mom's I love him and would sacrifice my life to save both his and Scotti's life if I had to. I would give up anything for them. Because I am a mom and I don't come first anymore.
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