H U M I L I T Y

There is a difference between humility and being humiliated. Two years ago on December 16th, I was humiliated. But, it doesn't even begin there. Rewind to November 2014, we had some huge changes coming our way. I was in my first trimester with Scotti and Jordan quit his job and started his own business. To keep a really long story short, we were sent to court for breaching a non-compete clause. While this was going on, Jordan was unable to work. We had my income which was just fine for what we needed. Then, on December 16th, I was forced to resign from ICCU for no reason other than I was "no longer a fit". Being humiliated is just a sliver of how I felt that night. I instantly lost all self-esteem I had when it came to my job and myself as a person. I was one of the top loan officers in the CU and I had just broken a few records in my department the month before. My boss knew that Jordan was not working and knew that I was pregnant as well. As humiliated and hurt as I was, I felt at peace. That night was when we truly put all our faith in the Lord. We still hadn't gotten anywhere with court and Jordan was still not working. Everyday we prayed. We thanked the Lord for everything that we had and prayed for Him to know that our hearts were true and that we had been doing everything we could to please Him. I was able to start taking over on my dad's bookkeeping which not only helped us make a little bit of money but it ended up relieving my mom of stress that she was carrying so I immediately felt relief for her. It wasn't until February that Jordan was able to return back to work. In those couple months that we were out of work, not once did we have to take money out of savings or ask for help with anything. Not only did we never have to use money we didn't want to, but Jordan was able to return to work with no restrictions considering what he was accused of during our time in court. We received so many blessings and tender mercies during our trial we endured and my testimony is stronger than it has ever been because of that. I am forever grateful to Heavenly Father for giving us that trial because it made us rely on Him and it also made Jordan and I's relationship even stronger because we had to rely on each other. I have a strong testimony in paying tithing. I know that if we can just give our 10% to the Lord, we will be blessed and we will have all that we need to survive. I also know without a doubt that He hears us. His answers don't come exactly when we want them or how we want them, but He does answer our prayers and helps us learn patience.

C O S T A R I C A

There is something unique about being back in the place where your husband served his mission. I was able to go to Costa Rica in September and not only go with Jordan but also with my mom, dad, brother, sister and brother's girlfriend. We stayed more south in Dominical which is not even where Jordan served. However, the feelings I felt while I was in that country were indescribable, but I'm going to try and describe them anyway.

As we were making our descent into Costa Rica, I had this overwhelming feeling of love and pride that I couldn't help but get emotional. This was the place that Jordan came to love. This was the place that Jordan served the people. This was the place that Jordan's testimony of the Gospel grew even more. This was the place that Jordan changed lives and this was the place that changed Jordan's life forever.

The last day of our trip, we drove back into San Jose to stay closer to the airport as our flight departed early the following morning. As we got into San Jose, we went to their "city center" that was basically a strip down the city of shopping, food, and lots of people. We went to a touristy souvenir hut to get some goodies to take back to the kids. We went to a pizza joint that Jordan used to get pizza at (it was terrible by the way). But, seeing him light up and get so giddy made my love for him grow even more. Those who know Jordan, know how genuine and sincere he is.

I really wanted to be able to see the temple while we were there but I didn't think we would be able to make it happen. But, right before it was getting dark we decided to set out and try and find it. As we pulled into the parking lot, the stake center right behind it was open and we kept seeing a couple people going in and out. Then it hit me... It was the women's broadcast for general conference. Something overwhelmingly pulled me into that stake center, not caring that the boys would have to stick around. We walked into the building and saw the chapel full of women and daughters watching the broadcast. Kids were running in and out and it wasn't incredibly reverent but it didn't matter. Then Jaquel, my brother's girlfriend, said she could hear the words in English somewhere. We set out to find the words being spoken and then there they were, about eight women sitting there watching the broadcast in English. We were not dressed for the occasion, but honestly, it didn't matter. The session was almost over but we were able to listen to Elder Uctdorf speak very last. What a powerful and incredible experience we had in that room. Something about being in Costa Rica where Jordan served, in a church building, listening to an apostle, with my sisters and mom, really made the spirit feel so strong. How incredible was his talk on faith? I truly feel like there was a reason why we didn't find the temple the first day and why we showed up at the time that we did. We all needed to hear that talk. We needed to feel the spirit and have our hearts and minds opened.

I am so grateful for the Gospel in my life. I am grateful that Jordan was able to serve the people of Costa Rica and have such an influence on their lives. I truly feel like it helped mold him into the man he is today. I am so grateful that I found him to be my eternal companion. We are not perfect and I get frustrated easily with him, but not once has it ever taken away the fact that I love him with all my heart and I am grateful for him and the type of person that he is. I truly am blessed.

Acronym for "Stay at Home Mom"

I used to always wonder what SAHM meant whenever I saw it. For some odd reason, once I became at stay at home mom, I finally realized what it meant. I looked at the acronym and it just hit me. One thing I have also come to realize is how hard it is. This post isn't about to be how hard it is to stay home and how easy it is to work full time because I have now experienced both sides.


I used to sit in church on Sundays just angry and annoyed at all the stay at home moms thinking to myself, "You have NO idea what it's like! NO IDEA!" But yet, in all reality, I had NO idea what it was like to stay home either. I have so much more respect for a mother who stays at home raising her children and so much respect for all the moms who work full time.


When I worked full time and hated those stay at home moms, I almost wanted to tell them how hard it was so that they would feel bad for me. Here was my routine: I would wake up early enough to get myself ready and Reggie ready for wherever he was going that day. I also had to give myself enough time to take him to his destination and be to work 15 minutes early. I was told when I first started for ICCU that if you aren't 15 minutes early, then you are late. For the 5 1/2 years that I worked there, I can honestly say that I was 15 minutes early about 90% of that time. The latest my shift ever ended was 6:30 (rarely). But by 5:30, 6:00 or 6:30, I would get home, either cook dinner or go get dinner (yes, we eat out too much). Once dinner was over, I would try and spend little time with Reggie and then do school work. I never felt relaxed when I was sitting on my couch watching TV because there was so much that needed to be done.


Once I finished school in October or November (I already can't remember), I thought things would slow down and I would be able to relax. I honestly never felt relaxed at all. Granted, last year in November, Jordan quit his job and started his own company in competition with his previous employer. So you can only imagine what hell that was. In November, he was served with court papers for breaching a non-compete. I will go into more detail about our year in another post. So, as you can imagine, there was no time to relax. Jordan was always on edge and ansy because along with breaching the non-compete and being sent to court, the judge also signed off on a restraining order so Jordan and his partner were not able to perform work with their new company until court was settled. Then there was me, trying to work, do school, spend time with Reggie, brighten Jordan's spirits, keep my house clean, and relax. It was tough and again I envied the stay at home moms because they could do anything and everything they wanted.


Then, to my surprise, on December 16, 2014, I became that stay at home mom I always thought I wanted to be. Now, I wanted to be a stay at home mom but I thought I would be able to prepare myself for it. You know, take my time quitting my job and things like that. But, it didn't work that way. The events that went on that day told me that I would no longer have a job at the end of the day. Sure enough, my "friend" led me down the stairs at 5:30 and sat me down with the regional manager. Long story short, I was no longer a fit for my position and I could either resign or they would basically fire me. Being offered two weeks paid and a pay out on all my sick and vacation days, I resigned. I quickly wrote my one sentence resignation letter and I never worked full time again.


Let me briefly explain the position I was put in. I was told I was no longer fit for my position at the Credit Union anymore. However, the month previous to this, I broke a record in my department for loans closed (as I was always a top performer and broke other records previous). I was given a Target gift card and a couple packs of Diet Coke. Within a months time, my numbers didn't decrease, I was never late to work, and I continued to work hard. That is just a small piece showing you how political a company can be. If just one person doesn't like you and you aren't the type of person that will change who you are to be liked, you will not succeed. I definitely had some great years and enjoyed my job at ICCU, but the last nine months were complete hell.


Back to what really matters here... That night, my parents drove down and my in laws came over to be there for me. I sobbed. Working was really all I have ever known, what was I going to do? Then finally, my dad said, "The Lord knows where you need to be and that is home." My mom also said that the Lord knows I wouldn't quit anytime soon so he made the decision for me and this was how it turned out. As upset as I was, I felt a feeling of relief and a weight lifted. I didn't know how hard staying at home would be, but it just felt right.


Fast forward to today: two kids, a husband who is rarely home by 5:00 and me, a stay at home mom. It is TOUGH! I have caught myself telling people that if I would have known it would be this hard, I wouldn't have quit my job. Then I remember, I didn't really quit my job. Right, I could have gone and easily found another full time job, but I knew that home is where I needed to be. My dad tells me very often that Reggie needs me and how glad he is that I get to be there for my kids. Being grateful that I get to stay home does not mean it's easy.


Working full time and being a stay at home mom are two different kinds of hard. When I think of the acronym SAHM, I not only now think of "stay at home mom" but I think selfless, attentive, heavenly, and mother. Let me elaborate as to why I think of those four words.


Selfless. You think that when you stay home you can do things you have been wanting to do like be on top of your cleaning, be the perfect housewife and have dinner ready and laundry done, or even as little as have some time to yourself when the kids are napping. Right after I "quit" I was able to nap when Reggie was napping and kind of chill. That was before Scotti came and before I started doing my parent's and Jordan's bookkeeping. When you stay home, very little of the time you have is spent on yourself. I am constantly getting Reggie a drink or a snack, playing, trying to potty train, feeding Scotti, trying to keep the house clean and laundry done etc. It's exhausting. I think the Lord knew that I needed to be home, but I also think he knew I needed to learn a little more patience and this was the only way. My patience is tested every. single. day.


Attentive. Reggie is such a character. I have realized that I missed so much during the day when he was at daycare and I was at work. When Jordan gets home I often tell him of the things Reggie did today and quite often, he may not do them for Jordan that night. It's the little things. It really is right down to the little sarcastic strut Reggie might do following me around or something silly he might say. My ears are listening to Reggie always. When I am on the phone, listening to music, whatever it may be, I hear Reggie's voice over anything. I also teach things when I don't even realize that I am doing it. I tell myself that I want to set a time in the day where I sit down with Reggie and teach him stuff; words, Jesus, writing etc. But what I didn't realize is that I am constantly teaching him. I take every opportunity I can to teach him something. It's funny, a month ago we were in the car and Reggie counted from one to 10 without skipping or mixing up a number. I was stunned. Not that Reggie is no smarter than any other kid but I have never heard a two year old count all the way to 10 before. I was so proud and the first thing Jordan and everyone else said was that he must have learned it from YouTube (yes, Reggie loves YouTube). I can hear pretty well the things Reggie watches and I know he never watches counting videos. So I thought back, I always count Reggie's train or toys whenever we are playing with them. I taught him how to count!


Heavenly. My house seems far from heavenly the majority of the time but there are so many different ways to use that word. My house may always seem like it's a mess or kids are often yelling but staying at home is truly a gift. I get to be the one with my kids all day, raising them, teaching them, and loving them. I find great comfort knowing that both Reggie and Scotti chose me to be their mom. They knew before they came that I would get impatient and raise my voice but they still chose me. They knew that no matter how impatient I get, that I will never stop loving them. If I ever get mad at Reggie, I still always tell him I love him because I do. I want him to know that even if he bites me and it's not okay, I still love him. Harold B. Lee once said, “The most important of the Lord’s work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own homes.” I try to remember that often when I am upset, frustrated, and ready to give up. I know that the things that happen within our home, will reflect my kids' lives forever. Our home is a place to teach our kids how to get back to our Father in Heaven. That alone makes everything worth it and makes my home a heavenly place.


Mother. Of course this word is self explanatory. However, I know every mom out there has doubts, insecurities, faults, etc. I am always wondering if I am good enough. When I raise my voice at Reggie for something stupid, I wonder why I did that and then tell myself to have a little more patience. I have so many insecurities now being a stay at home mom that I didn't have when I worked. When I worked at ICCU, I was a loan officer. I got so much satisfaction in completing a loan and having high loan numbers. But, I got more satisfaction in getting compliments on a job well done or when members raved about me because they liked ME. You don't get that as a stay at home mom. I feel like my role is so much bigger now that it used to be. Funny thing is, the role didn't change, I did. I went from working as a loan officer to working on my patience and being a better mom and wife. I still feel like I am failing profusely at both. I try to clean the house and have it clean when Jordan gets home. What can I say, I have a two-year-old who has to have every toy out but only play with one. I try to cook more instead of always eating out because I am home all day. It's really not that easy. One day I wrote down every thing that I did to the minute because I wanted Jordan to know what I did all day. I stopped at 1:00 because I already had a page written down. I will sit down at the computer to work on my parent's books and Reggie will need a snack or Scotti will need her diaper changed. So I will do that, then something else needs done and next thing you know, it's 5:30 and you wonder where the time went.


As hard as staying home is for me, I thank the Lord every single day that I am able to do so. My family is right, as much as I wanted to quit my job and stay home, I wouldn't have unless I was forced. Now that I am here, I want to give up a lot but it doesn't take away from the fact that I truly am grateful. Despite my own faults and doubts, I know that Reggie still loves me and no matter how many times I want to just send him to my mom's I love him and would sacrifice my life to save both his and Scotti's life if I had to. I would give up anything for them. Because I am a mom and I don't come first anymore.

My True Hero of Strength

Last week was a very eye opening week for me. I have always known that I should not take life for granted and make the best of every situation but that doesn't always seem easy when you are in the heat of a moment. But as of last week, I will always take a step back and look at all my blessings before getting angry about something; most likely the littlest of things set me off.

My friend Jessie was diagnosed with gastric cancer last year and kicked it's ass. She went through chemo and just a few months ago she was told the fantastic news that she was cancer free. Later she then started struggling keeping food down and some other things I believe. She went back to the doctor and had some tests ran. They let her know that her scans and X-rays look good but thought maybe there was scar tissue build up causing these issues. She went in for surgery the second time only to have some scar tissue repaired. When the doctors went in for surgery they were not expecting to see what they saw. When Jessie was starting to wake up a little more a couple days later, she wasn't expecting to hear what she heard. The cancer has returned and was not caught in time. I went and visited her yesterday at home and what she told me I will not be able to get out of my mind. I didn't know what to say and all I wanted to do was break down in front of her but I knew that was probably the last thing she wanted to see.

Here is the thing about Jessie and I's relationship. She was my absolute best friend growing up. She lived just a few yards away from me and we would play at each other's houses, meet up halfway at the "haunted house", stuff our bras with water balloons, play kiss tag with boys at school, and everything else you would do with your best friend. As we got to high school, we started hanging out with different groups but always continued to have good times when we played softball together and occasionally got together. Then as we graduated, she went away to Twin Falls and I stayed in Pocatello. I still hung out with her a couple times but it isn't the friendship we used to have. People change, get busy in their lives, find new friends, but I have come to realize that no matter what path we are in our lives, nothing will ever change the fact that Jessie is and always will be one of my best friends.

I have many heroes in my life but I can truly say that Jessie is my biggest hero. She is a fighter and I know she will continue to fight as I will continue to be a support for her as much as possible. I admire her continued faith in God and the fact that I know everyone including herself prays for a miracle. God has a plan for us all and I know He knew that Jessie was strong enough to fight this battle. I believe that through this, she is changing peoples lives and has already been an inspiration to many including myself. Thank you Jessie for being my hero and true inspiration. I love you forever!

Lucky Number 7

Since January 1st I have completed five classes. My term started in October and from October to January, I only completed one class but was studying for a science class during those months. So, when the new year hit I decided I was going to really push myself to get classes done and I have been doing just that. It is not even the end of January and I have completed those five classes. Some have taken me a week, some have taken me two, and some have taken me about a month to study but I have done it. I am feeling so accomplished and motivated lately that it makes me want to just keep going. The next few classes are going to be tough but I know I can do it. My term ends on March 31st and I plan on completing three more classes. I am currently working on an accounting and finance class that will have  two tasks to them. There is also another accounting and finance/IT class that I will take a test to pass. If I can get those two out of the way, I will be super excited. The third class I am looking to accomplish is a marketing and business communications class. Reviews have said that it is pretty tough, but I think I can do it. I have about a month and a half to get these classes completed or at least get the tasks submitted and tests scheduled. They make you schedule them at least by the 15th of the month prior to the end of the term. I hope to have them scheduled by the beginning of March so that I can have enough time to retake them if I need to.

It feels so good knowing that I am getting so close. I love knocking a class out because it makes me that much close and more motivated to just keep going. I told Jordan to get ready for a vacation because we are planning one when I get done.

I Can See the Light: Faint, Tiny, Speck of a Light

Now that I have Reggie, I tend to revert all my thoughts and posts back to him. I want to say I am sorry but I'm not. As I sit here late at night, home alone with Reggie, I am tired. I am tired because I worked all day, came home and played with Reggie until it was time to put him to bed, and since then, I have been doing school. But it is okay that I am tired. It is okay, because the more I study, the sooner I will be done. When I think about finishing school this year, a little bit of stress is lifted off my shoulders. The more I think about finishing, the more I think about my free nights to be care free (not teenager carefree cause that doesn't exist anymore) but carefree in the sense that I can come home, cook dinner (or go buy dinner), play with Reggie, watch a TV show, workout, read a book and know that I do not have to study for a test or worry about a paper. I am ready for that. 

I am currently going to school at Western Governor's University and what a blessing it has been. Each semester is 6 months long and you have to take a minimum of 12CU's (most universities just call them credits). You pay your tuition for the semester and you have the full 6 months to get those 12 CU's done. The most incredible part though is that you can add additional classes to that same semester without paying a penny more. I have not been super successful in this because of all the things that have been going on in my life since I started with Western Governors last fall but since the new year, things are different. A fire started within me that has really got me going. I have one class left to complete my 12CU's for the semester which ends March 31st. Yeah, I should have had it done weeks ago but my first two classes were science and I loathe science. My performance assessment was cake so that was completed within the first two weeks of the semester. The objective assessment was the absolute hardest worst class ever. Every science possible was combined into this one class; earth science, biology, chemistry, physics, astronomy, geology etc. And yes, you had to know what things belonged with what, what was a joule, etc etc. Annoying to say the least. But I am done with science forever and I am FOREVER grateful. 

Just to sidetrack: a little bit about the performance and objective assessments; Each class is either a performance assessment or objective assessment. If the class is a performance assessment then it includes a project/paper of some sort. Most of them are just papers which could have just one task or five tasks for that class. You have as long as you want to get it done. You then submit those tasks(papers) and if they pass, then you are done with the class. Just like that. But if there is something wrong with the tasks, then the graders send it back and ask you to change what was wrong. You don't have to redo the paper, just change the mistakes. Once you have done so, you submit it again. If there are more errors, it gets sent back and you just keep fixing mistakes and submitting until you pass. There is no failing at WGU. The objective assessments are tests. If a class is an objective assessment class, then you just study your heart out, take the pre-assessment and if you pass, schedule the test. There are no weekly assignments, quizzes, tests…nothing. If you are ready, take the test. If you pass… you are done with the class. 

I have failed over half of my objective assessments but passed them the second time around. You have up to three free tries until you have to start paying. But, you go until you pass. If you keep failing, you get help from course mentors. People are there to help. They want you to gain a knowledge and not base your education off of just assignments, tests, passing and failing. They want you to pass and they want you to understand. 

My next class I have to complete for the end of the semester is an Econ class which is an objective assessment. I took the pre-assessment before starting the class to see what my knowledge was like before diving in head first. Yeah, I definitely need to study. While I have been studying and during slow times at work, I have been working ahead. I have another ECON class that is a performance assessment. I had to have my mentor add that class to my semester because I completed the four tasks which were four papers within three days. Three days! That means for the first time in three semesters, I will be getting more classes done then just the minimum. 

Right now, my brain is hurting from my Quantitative Analysis for Business tasks I am working on. (Sidenote: If anyone is good at probability, business statistics and all the gross stuff, let me know! I could use your help) Which is why I am now sitting here letting my fingers type and mind unwind. When I look up from my computer, I can see the baby monitor and Reggie's cute little face sleeping like an angel. He is my motivation to keep going. He is the reason why I want to finish this year instead of my projected 2016. The amazing part about this whole thing, WGU let's me do that. It is up to me and my dedication and commitment to finish. My brother-in-law worked graveyards, slept three to four hours a day, watched his three kids, detailed cars, and managed to finish I wanna say 92 CU's in one year. If he can do it, so can I! I have about nine classes left and I am starting to see a light. It's not a big light and actually a very tiny one at that, but I can see it. I can see it because my motivation has kicked into high gear. 

What an awesome opportunity we have to get an education to better ourselves, our future, our families etc. I am excited to finish. I am excited to be able to tell Reggie that I stuck with it. That I am the only one in my family that got their degree. I am excited to give all my school time that I spent, directly to my family. I am excited for tomorrow. 

New Year to Start Now

I would have to say that 2013 was the best year yet. Along with the challenges there brought great blessings.

Reggie has by far been the greatest joy and blessing to Jordan and I. It has made us learn more about each other, love each other more and appreciate the life that we have. Working full time, feeding my family, going to school, working out, and spending time with my family is not easy. But at the end of the day when I kiss my boys goodnight, I am indeed grateful for the life that I have been given. 

I am grateful for a husband who loves me even at my worst; which is a lot of the time it seems. I am also grateful for the father he is to Reggie. It is so fun seeing the changes in Reggie and the fact that he is getting to an age to play. The highlight in my day is seeing Jordan push Reggie around on his new motorcycle that Santa brought him.  There is so much joy on both of their faces that it is priceless. I am also grateful for the handy and talented man that Jordan is as well. We have a beautiful home that means the world to me for the fact that Jordan has put many hours of work into finishing our house. He was able to make our entertainment center downstairs, build shelves for the storage room, work bench in his garage and much more. Not to mention all the finish work he did to make the house complete.  

I am eternally grateful for the gift Heavenly Father sent us on May 14th. When I am burnt out with school and stressed to the max, I sit back and think of the joy that Reggie brings to my life. We could have waited to have kids so that I could finish school or travel the world but we chose this life. We chose to have a baby and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I couldn't imagine my life without Reggie in it.  He is 7 1/2 months old and so close to crawling. He is such a busy body and can never sit still. He doesn't like to miss out on anything so he has a hard time settling down or going to sleep when people are around. He jabbers a lot and says dada but we all know he doesn't know what that means. If he knew, he would be saying mama. Just kidding. He loves his dad very much. 

I am also grateful for my family. What a blessing they are to me as well. I have the best parents in the world who help me more than they know. I love that I can call out to them for any advice, humor or simply just love. They love watching Reggie and I love that about them. I love my brother and sister so much and wish many great blessings to them this year, they have been great friends to me and are always there. Which bring me to another blessing in my life. I am grateful for Lindsey. She has always been the one friend I can turn to and rely on. She is one of those true friends that are hard to find and I am glad I have her in my life. 

I am still working at Idaho Central and I am grateful for that. It has been such a great job for me and I love what I do. I have great co-workers and a great boss. Idaho Central is a great company to work for so it has been a blessing. As much as I would love to spend my days with Reggie, I am content with my job until the day comes to stay home. I like the fact that I contribute to the family and it boosts my self-esteem when I have good commission months. It drives me to be better at what I do. I am looking forward to what the future will hold. Focusing on one thing at a time, we will see what the future holds once I am finished with school. 

In 2014, may we all learn to let go of the past and live in the present. We can't change the things that have happened but we can learn from them.  Life is too short to hate those that have wronged you. We all witnessed tragedies in 2013 where loved ones left us too early. It's better to live our lives filled with love then to live our lives with hate and regret. Forgive, forget and live on. May our 2014 resolution be to show respect to everyone no matter who they are or what they've done. We have no idea what they are going through. 

Happy New Year!!